i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
