i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
