I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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