Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
