True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
