FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
