Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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