I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
