capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
