she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
