My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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