I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Randomize
