My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
