i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
