I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Randomize
