I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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