you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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