i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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