Kiss
Puke
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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