just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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