Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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