You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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