I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
there is puke in my bra ... again
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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