the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
