I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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