ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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