Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
