I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
