Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
