I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
