chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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