when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
