Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
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Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
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My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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