I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
