i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
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I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
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I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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