nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
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