hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
