i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
