Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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