Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
i now understand why vodka
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
