This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
