I have demons in me.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
