I heard we made out
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I didn't notice because vodka
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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