Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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