why didn't you poke me back
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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