Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
