I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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