Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
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I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
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When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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