bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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