too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
