Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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