My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
