And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
