You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
What drink are we having for lunch?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
