I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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