dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Welp...herpes.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
