I am puke
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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